All Blacks Don’t Cry: How John Kirwin, one of the best rugby players ever, tackled depression

John Kirwin: Best Player

With my summer reading season almost done now and the Rugby World Cup just around the corner, I thought I’d share a few thoughts on a book given to me by my Kiwi friend and Best Player contributor, the PM.

As you all know, I am primarily a soccer guy who lives in Canada. I played soccer, I follow soccer. I cannot help it. But you will I hope also have noticed that I do have some breadth of mind, that I do try to see a bigger picture. In fact, this project I’m part of at Bestplayerintheworld.com is even looking for a “Big Theory” which will somehow unite all of the players of the world in all of the sports.

So today a Canadian soccer guy is going to talk to you about a New Zealand rugby book. Thank you PM for this challenge. I live for challenges. Once a player, always a player. A player forever. Just like John Kirwin.

Now, I’m not really going to “talk” about this book. This will not be a professional review – for I am not a professional writer. I am merely a washed-up centre-back who obsessively blogs about players playing sports. And all I’m going to do is reflect on the pencil marks I made in this book. (Yes pencil marks, PM. I hope this is ok. Did you intend for me to keep this book?)

Looking at those pencil marks – if I could sum up John Kirwin’s book on his battle against depression I would have to say that it is very All Black.

This might surprise some because being an All Black is akin to being invincible and not associated with public admissions of pain.

It might surprise others because Kirwin himself admits he’s not sure it helped him through his depression.

But from where I sit when you see that Kirwin at one point in the book says that being an All Black is about being “incredibly disciplined and incredibly talented, and it’s the greatest thing that ever happened to me.” – you see that Kirwin’s victory over depression is exactly about that: discipline and talent.

This book drips with his discipline and talent.

Early on in the book Kirwin outlines the anxiety attacks he experiences and the dark thoughts he has and his inability to cope. Kirwin shares with us his feeling of  desperation as: ”…I was just going to run and keep running…” Remember this is a man who was at the time ”…considered one of the best rugby players in the world.” So he naturally wanted to do what he was best at – something physical. To run hard, to run away. Kirwin admits that he didn’t see “it” (depression) coming and that the only thing that eventually stopped the exhaustion of his “endless fear” was going on medication. But he had to ask for that. He had to admit he had a problem and he had to accept the medication. That took great strength and discipline on Kirwin’s part. I’m sure that he never imagined himself as one to need “crazy pills”.

Kirwin also reveals a disciplined mind when he refuses to blame depression on the pressure that came with being an All Black, Instead, he interestingly blames depression on fear or the “fear of failure”. That is kind of understandable. Remember, as fellow All Black Sean Fitzpatrick says, Kirwin was “one of the first rugby superstars that New Zealand had ever seen”. So he had a lot to live up to. Given that Kirwin’s personality  was one of perfectionism anyway, the combination seemed to lead the player down a path where ”anything wrong was a failure…” and he only learned later about ”the obsessive thinking that is part of depression.”

Joe Stanley is one friend who tried to get Kirwin out of his loop of self-doubt, saying to him: “Come on mate, you’re the best in the world, what’s the big deal here?”

But Kirwin was entrenched, as John Mayhew pointed out: “He was really ill. At the time that I became aware of his psychological illness, he was the best rugby player in the world, life was going along well, there were no outward signs…”

There were no outward signs but Kirwin was actually in major turmoil on the inside. Then he got the meds, got the help, got the support.

Kirwin cites the influence that the words of Michael Jones had on saving his life. Jones once said to Kirwin: ”You’ve got a good heart…This is an illness, not a weakness, and it will pass.”

Kirwin repeats that mantra throughout the book and talks about how those words specifically pulled him out of various moments of mental desperation: “You’ve got a good heart…this will pass.”

I found that when Kirwin was revealing these stories he was directly trying to speak to other men about how to seek help. At the end of the day this really is a self-help or how-to book. I particularly love one sports metaphor that Kirwin ties to athletes beating depression: that the brain is like a hamstring. I would buy the book just for this great passage.

I would also buy the book for the passage where he talks about how once he accepted that he was ill with depression he decided to “be the best at it”. For me that is so All Black: an attitude of winning and – again – discipline and talent.

That’s why Kirwin’s story fits so well with our Best Player project. Kirwin is the best at rugby, best at wellness and we here want all players to be the best that they can be at their sport – and in life.

Speaking of life – once he had tackled depression, Kirwin says that he started to enjoy everything more. He talks about little things like the taste of coffee or the pleasure of taking a shower. Things we normally take for granted.

Now that might sound a little new-agey  to you – just like Kirwin’s references to Confucius or Eastern philosophy – but I’m telling you players there is something very pragmatic about all of this stuff. It’s just like training for your sport. As Kirwin says: you have to work at your wellness every day. Just like an All Black would work on his cardio or his handling.

Kirwin gives players around the world in all sports a great gift with the telling of his incredible story. And I want to thank him for it. I think it will save lives. Just two days ago, we in Canada lost an ex-NHL hockey player, Wade Belak , to depression and suicide at the age of 34. Ten years ago this January I also lost a brother in the same surprising, devastating way. Both Belak and my brother were great people, great family guys, great athletes. They lost their secrets battles and we lost them.

One of the messages Kirwin has for us is to maximize our gift. He says: “We’ve all got a gift for something. For me it was rugby, and I wanted to be the world’s best.”

Kirwin was the best. Best at rugby. And now best at beating depression. He and his book are a gift to us all. An All Black gift. What I, as a soccer man in Canada, have learned from Kiwi rugby legend John Kirwin is that being an All Black is not about sucking it up, not complaining and winning. Rather, being an All Black is about discipline and talent – and winning. And having gotten to know Kirwin through this book I think that winning on a playing field and in life just got a bit easier for all of us.

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Please buy the book, watch the great video rendition and visit Kirwin’s blog. Support the cause – it could be somebody you love or it could be you – who could benefit from the life and lessons of John Kirwin, one of the best rugby players ever.

Buy the book and support the cause of players everywhere

I’d like to thank the PM for giving me this great gift of a book. I am humbled that he thinks of me as more than a washed-up old centre-back. May the All Blacks keep the cup in New Zealand when they host the 2011 Rugby World Cup.

Tagged as: John Kirwan